A Possible Mother

I’ve heard a lot about the concept of “imposter syndrome” when referring to one’s professional life, but I haven’t yet stumbled upon it being associated with being a mother. But today someone told me that I was “the perfect mother”, and I wanted to literally hide under a rock. Sometimes I don’t feel like a proper mother at all, let alone a perfect one.

That person isn’t to blame. If you follow me on social media, you might think the same. There are plenty of pictures of my kids doing crafts, baking with dad, dancing around, eating well, and being generally happy. It doesn’t show how terrible I am at playing with toddlers, and that I really don’t like playgrounds (especially ones with sandboxes). It doesn’t show how I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and how 99% of the time it is my husband who gets the kids dressed before I even make it out of the room. It doesn’t show that my kids watch more TV than I’d like to admit. It doesn’t show that sometimes I’d rather work than draw, or how I struggle to discipline my energetic babies. It doesn’t show how I lose my patience, and yell, and then cry, and feel guilty.

You may hear me occasionally saying that “I am doing my best”, but to be completely honest, I’m not sure that’s entirely true all the time. I am just being me. Some people post about how “the day that they became a mother was the day that they became themselves” and I can’t help but wonder - am I an imposter? Was I supposed to feel that way? I was already someone before having my kids, and I have certainly learned a lot about myself since, but still - they don’t define me. I am still my flawed self. I have carried these babies, I have birthed them, I would give my life for them. I love them more fiercely than I could ever have imagined was possible before becoming their mother. Yet, I believe that they deserve the very, very best; and many times, the very best is more than I have to offer.

I accept that I am not the best mother, and I am certainly not perfect. I am also not the worst. I’m not sure I deserve all the praise that we get on this day, but I am here. I show up every day, through the ups and downs and laughter and crying and dancing and shrieking and kisses and biting. I am simply a possible mother amongst many, and every day I hope and pray that I am enough. A Happy Mother’s Day to all possible mothers. <3